You’re the best

I’m definitely not one to feed my own ego but I saw this cup and I thought to myself, “maybe if I bought this coffee cup, used it regularly, subliminally it will convince my mind I’m better than I believe I am.”

Did it work? No.

Did I think it would work? Again, no.

But I’m trying.

I’m trying everything to give myself that push to trust and believe in myself. I’ll follow whatever hocus pocus plan I can find if I think it might be the one that works. What harm is there in investing in yourself? In my opinion, none. But it’s certainly hard to believe that in the moment.

I don’t think I’m the best.

I don’t think I’m even a runner up in the “best” contest.

I do know that I try. Maybe I’m trying too much, in too many different areas. Maybe I should focus my trying? I don’t even know anymore.

I genuinely feel like my life has been a nonstop war. Within myself and in all the circumstances involving myself. Maybe it’s brought to me through fault of my own? Maybe it’s just the way the cookie crumbles?

I’m trying to find myself.

I’m trying to find and heal my “inner child”.

I’m trying to heal my past, present, and future.

I’m trying to be the best version of myself I can be.

But I’ll be damned if I don’t feel like I’m continuously fucking it all up.

I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I want or what I need, I don’t know what I’m good at, I don’t know anything.

Okay, we know I know SOME things but it definitely doesn’t feel like it.

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