Sorry you’re not sorry

I’m working on not being sorry for everything anymore.

The first words out of my mouth at the friction of any situation is “sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” etc.

But why? Am I really? What am I apologizing for? If I’m not really sorry and it’s just a way to keep the peace, why am I the one ALWAYS apologizing?

Because I have been reflecting. I’ve waited years and years for apologies to come from people who will never, ever, be sorry.

I’m not waiting for an apology anymore.

But that has to be the number one thing I dislike about narcissists (and just some people in general). 

They will never be wrong.

Why is it impossible for you to admit you made a mistake?

Why is it always someone else’s fault?

In my entire life, I don’t think I’ve ever heard my mother apologize.

Especially not to me.

During one of our later fall outs I told her that’s all I wanted.

I wanted her to admit where she went wrong and apologize. Just to see if anything even mattered.

It didn’t.

I got back pages of ranting about how I’m an ungrateful liar and if I were her I would have made the same mistakes since she was a young mother and didn’t have the emotional support either.

But that’s not my fault.

None of it is my fault.

I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to be parented by a young mother. I didn’t ask for a single mother. I didn’t ask to be anything.

Something that made me very sad at one point in my early teen years was that I couldn’t see a future for myself.

I never got the chance to dream. I never saw myself graduating high school, going to college, having a career, getting married, having any speck of a normal life. That was a wake up call for me.

I didn’t deserve to be hopeless. I had to stop waiting for that support to arrive, the encouragement to do better, I had to go make it myself. 

I have still struggled with “what am I supposed to be?” 

The last time I remember speaking of what I wanted to be when I grew up was around age 9. Before everything truly hit the fan.

I wanted to be a midwife, because I wanted to help people and their babies. I didn’t know the first thing about what midwives do but I had heard they got to help the tiny babies.

That was all I ever really knew I was okay at.

I could take care of a baby.

But, that’s not to say that’s what I truly “wanted” to be. That’s not really me. I love babies and children and I absolutely adore being a mother but I eventually realized that I didn’t need to make a career out of something just because that’s all I ever knew.

I have struggled for a long time with trying to find what my hobbies are, what I LIKE to do, not what I’ve always done. And I still don’t really know.

I don’t know how to do things for ME and not for anybody else.

I never thought I was a people pleaser but the more research I’ve done lately the more I’ve realized that’s all I’ve ever been.

I’d always do or say whatever I needed to in order to make sure I upset no one and displayed the version of myself I thought people wanted to see. But that’s not me either.

I wouldn’t say I pretended to be someone I wasn’t, I just emphasized the sides of me that in my mind were more appealing than the rest. In turn, I became somewhat of a turtle and the only parts I let out of my shell were the parts I wanted people to see. 

I’ve spent years looking over my shoulder, fretting over what someone else is thinking about me, afraid when the phone rings, scared of what’s going to happen next. It’s exhausting. It’s completely and utterly exhausting to always be so concerned with everybody else and to let your true self sink deep inside.

So, I’m trying to be done with it. I’m trying to stop being afraid of life. Stop being afraid of who is going to torment me, who is judging me, who is talking about me. The truth is that all of those things will happen regardless of whether or not I’m worrying about it.

I’m done shaping my life around the thoughts of other people. 

That’s why I’m here, I’m writing all of these things to face one of my biggest fears… Putting myself out there. 

I don’t view this as airing my dirty laundry or opening my closet of skeletons but it is a major step in my mental development to be open with everyone. 

I’m sharing my trials and triumphs louder than I ever have before.

I’m doing this without seeking validation from anyone else. I don’t care if one person reads it or twenty people read it. It’s there. This is me, this is my movement, this is my truth.

Back to the original topic of this post, I’m done waiting for an apology. From anyone.

You know, some people just might not be sorry. They might be okay with the way they’ve treated you because in their mind, they have nothing to apologize for and nothing you ever say will change that.

That’s okay.

Your truth doesn’t cease to exist because someone else doesn’t acknowledge it. 

That’s beauty of it, it’s yours. 

Your facts, your stories, your memories, your truth. 

Embrace it. 

Do whatever you want with it but please, don’t be afraid anymore. 

I’m saying this to you and also to myself. 

You have nothing to be afraid of. 

Everything will happen exactly how it’s supposed to happen regardless of if you’re scared and hiding from it or not.

Don’t waste your energy running. Own it. You’re okay. 

You have always been some version of okay, and you always will be. 

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