Thanks for the lessons, Mother Dearest

Something that is interesting to me is that I can’t categorize my trauma.

If you were to ask me about all of the trauma I have experienced I would come up pretty short.

It’s wild how very not okay things can be okay in the mind of someone who has never known anything but.

I feel I am sometimes seen as weak, when my mental weight is too much to carry and I reach out or vent but what it’s really like is, I carry everything and everyone on my back. I protect whoever I can. I shield others and accept the damage. I have been a scapegoat. I have let people who have abused me be forgiven and accept that somehow it must’ve been my fault.

I struggle to find the words for the things I feel regarding people. Some say you just have to find the right people and while I know some very good people, I also tolerate a lot of people I should not. I do more for people who do not deserve me. I’m exhausted from believing that I’m some miserable, bitchy, controlling, overbearing, sad, introvert who does everyone wrong.

That’s not me.

I frequently think well, if so-and-so knew X about me, they would understand Y. I feel like I am forever pleading my case and providing explanations or defenses where they truly are not warranted.

Other peoples opinion of me is none of my business.

When I think about the lies my mother fed to me during the peak of her drug abuse, it makes my stomach turn.

While she was struggling with her own demons, she was passing some of them off to me. I let her convince me that I am no good.

She frequently reminded me, “that’s why you have no friends, that’s why no one can stand you, you’re just a bitch.”

So, I turned bitter toward anyone who tried to be my friend because if I never let anyone in, I wouldn’t ever be hurt again.

“That’s why you’ll always be alone, that’s why your boyfriend cheats on you, that’s why you’re going to end up psychotic and murdering people like your dad (who as it turns out, is not my biological father).”

“You’re just going to end up a big fat miserable bitch like your aunt, if you say you want to kill yourself, do it. You won’t do it.”

“You are the problem, that’s why no one likes you, that’s why none of your siblings want to be around you, that’s why you have nobody and nothing.”

I have believed this shit for over 14 years. I have let it sit inside, dictating my every move. Preventing me from expanding my horizons. Preventing me from believing in myself, trusting in myself, being kind to myself. If I create anything, I critique it and tell myself every single thing that is wrong with it and never allow any praise. I don’t know how to accept compliments. I don’t know how to accept niceness. I feel everyone who is nice to me is manipulating me. I feel like everyone who tries to get close to me is just waiting for the right time to destroy me. I have been lead to believe the world sees me the same way my mother sees me and has taught me to see myself. Damaged goods. Rejected.

When I look at my own child, I can’t even fathom speaking an ill word toward him. In my eyes, he is remarkably perfect in every way. He is brilliant, beautiful, and going to accomplish everything he wants. He is going to soar, and I will forever be his biggest fan and best cheerleader. He will never wonder if he is wanted, worthy, or loved. He will know I will never lead him down a road of abandonment. He can always return to me, he can always be honest and open and be whoever he wants to be and I will be there.

I have never been afraid that I would not be a good parent, especially given my own upbringing, it only encouraged me to defy the odds. The cycle ends here. I will not damage my child like I have been damaged. I will take everything I have learned and experienced and create something beautiful. My love for my child knows no bounds.

History will not repeat itself with me.

16 comments

  1. My mother never has had things as harsh as your mother, however my biological father is a sexual predator and he would also beat her. Growing up she would make comments about how I was going to be an abuser just like him, or how that no one liked me because I was a bitch or a psychopath. It wasn’t until I had my child and got some therapy under my belt, that I realized how awful she was/is. Like you said, I could never imagine looking at my perfect, beautiful baby and saying anything so hurtful to her.
    I am sorry that your mom treated you that way, but I am glad that you are not letting it define you as a person or as a mother. You’re not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for sharing with me. I am so sorry you had to endure similar trauma. It’s sick that things like this even have to happen to anyone. I’m proud of you for rising above it! Your daughter is very lucky to have you. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you ❤️ I still try to have some semblance of a relationship with my mother, but it’s very limited. It sucks because it doesn’t seem like anyone but my brother and myself see her for what she is.
        Thank you for the kind words. ☺️

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      • I totally understand that. I tried to have any sort of anything with my mom for a fair amount of time but realized she will never change and just continue to do me harm so it’s best we stay no contact. I think that’s what bothers me the most about them, that most of the people who know them don’t see them for what they really are and it makes you feel a little crazy like, HELLO. SHE’S NOT NORMAL. Lol. I only recently started reading more into narcissism and the different types and traits and holy mackerel it has been a huge eye-opener​. ❤

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      • I don’t blame you! I have ZERO contact with my bio father. Recently he had his fiancé reach out to me. She’s pregnant with his child…and she’s younger than me. I’m twenty three. He’s in his late forties. I just blocked her on all social media (I already had him blocked). Sometimes I wish I could just block my mom too.

        It’s definitely tough having a narcissist for a parent, because not everyone realizes they are what they are. So they get to play victim even further.

        I have been reading in to it as well and it’s definitely an eye opener and has made me feel more solidified / confident in the choices I’ve made as far as my relationship with her goes.

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      • Oh. My. God. What is wrong with people?! That’s insane. Ugh, gross. Good for you for blocking all that nonsense off. Do you have a good support system with your fiance/his family?

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      • My fella has been amazing. Our relationship has had it’s own crap trust me (thought some kid was his…ended up not being his….the kid’s mom is insane) but thankfully that’s over. His parents are alcoholics but my relationship with them is in a MUCH better place that it was, say a year ago.
        I also have my friend and my psychologist.

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  2. Thank you for being so open about your experience. I’m sorry you were treated so poorly but your child is so very lucky to have you and they know they’re loved every single day.

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  3. You’re so strong! I love that you’re taking what you’ve experienced and making sure that your kids don’t have to go through the same things!

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  4. I applaud you for seeing the beauty of your experiences. I tell my clients everything has a positive intention, even if you can’t see it yet and even when it’s something extremely traumatic. If you can find how the situation/circumstance/lesson is for you and strengthens you then you’re winning and growing and expanding.

    You know how you wanted to be seen as a child and so you make damn sure you support your son and make him feel like he belongs and knows he is loved. If you hadn’t have experienced those traumas would you be the mother you are today?

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  5. Big hug to you. Kudos for sharing so much here. I am so glad you hve mindfully decided to break the vicious cycle here and now. Great job

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  6. I am so sorry to hear this. I am sorry that you had to hear those harsh words from your own mom. Please know that you are loved, worthy and that our parents do not control our lives. You can be who you want to be despite anything they say.

    Liked by 1 person

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