When it’s all too much

How do you gauge what an appropriate reaction to a situation is?

How do you know if it is the rational, level-headed adult making the decisions and not the trauma stricken, terrified inner-child?

How will I ever be comfortable making decisions of my own?

I’m always terrified of making the wrong choice, acting too hastily, ruining my current joys, I feel no safety in any decision.

My inner-child has been so damaged by constant uprooting, abandonment, emotional harassment and she always comes to surface when shit hits the fan.

Just put in a box and go, like you’ve done so many times before. You have five minutes. Pick what you want most and go. You can’t stay, it’s not going to work out, things are ruined, done, your life is over, it’s time to relocate.

But…. that’s not always the case. My brain can’t distinguis what is a valid reason to uproot and run or chill and let’s see what happens.

I have no chill.

I’m working on it, but right now I have none.

I have to know plans, rules, expectations. I need to know what we’re doing, why we’re doing it, how we’re going to do it.

Man, I really don’t want to be bitter but I am so salty that the choices of my mother as I was growing completely skewed my way of functioning as an adult. I’m working on it of course, but dang it’s hard. And she doesn’t care, won’t accept responsibility, won’t apologize, won’t offer compassion, won’t acknowledge that she ever did anything wrong in her life. She’s the victim, she’ll always be the victim, and I’ll always be the enemy. I’ll always be what she has always said – crazy, a bitch, friendless, fat, etc. I’ll never amount to anything because I’m just lazy. But, she’s the victim remember. She could have never said anything or done anything wrong, because… well…. that would mean that she is actually…. what… not the victim? Wow.

I’m going to retreat to my invisible bed tent, because I wish I had a tent for my bed to make a cave to hide from this bologna.

Bed tent!!!!! https://amzn.to/2LM8TMB

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