The leap of faith

It is incredibly difficult to maintain faith in my endeavors. I’ve been beating myself up on whether or not all of my effort I’m putting in will actually get anywhere.

I don’t want to make millions, I’m not in it for the profitability, I just want to get out there and make a difference anywhere I can.

Over the years I’ve never viewed myself as a success, I don’t look back on the trauma of my past and think, “hey, you made it, you did good.” It’s never enough for myself, I’m looking to give myself some grace and speak to myself like I speak to others. Reminding them of the battles they have fought and won, the difference they’ve made in the world.

I’ve fought through some tough stuff and yet I never allow myself credit for overcoming all of the obstacles. I tell myself I should always be doing more, doing better, until I am drained and lost.

Today, I’ll look at it differently. I have mentally visited many different chapters of my life over the last few weeks and wondered why these things were ever handed to me. Why don’t things ever just “work out” for me? I’ll spiral down a pity party and find myself at the bottom looking up thinking I’ll never get past this mental cycle.

If absolutely nothing else comes from my efforts, I hope at the bare minimum I connect with at least one person. I’d like to give one person a glimmer of hope that even in the midst of the worst day of your life, you can survive.

Even if you feel like you are the lone warrior of your life and everyone else has their weapons against you, you can survive.

Just by the small fact that somehow, I’m here today.

I catch myself discrediting my emotions and my feelings towards people, giving them the benefit of the doubt and telling myself I’m reacting inappropriately to how they treat me but that’s rarely the case.

I’ve left doors open for people who have repeatedly broke me down and stomped all over the pieces. I’ve answered the phone to people who couldn’t give a damn if I’m well or not. I have always forgiven, because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. But now, I really don’t think so.

It’s not necessary to harbor the hurt in your heart but you sure as hell don’t have to let the repeat offenders stake claim in your life. See them out. Those who matter and those who bring happiness into your life will be there, they will support you on your darkest days and they will be next to you on the brightest. You will never be completely alone, often enough you have a silent cheerleader in your life hoping to see you make it. Shoot, I want to see everyone make it.

You don’t have to retain the people who drain your joy. You don’t have to tell them off, if you just sit back and don’t react, sometimes they’ll even show themselves out. I believe a highly underused tool is making the choice to go no contact with the ones who don’t treat you as a person of value. The ones who tolerate your existence but you find yourself immensely anxious in their presence. You don’t have to.

If you’re the one committing most of the effort to a relationship without any reciprocation, see them out. Each individual who does not spark joy in your life yet is a constant presence only drains your energy. Energy that could be spent on happiness, living a little, and most importantly, enjoying your life.

I have to remind myself on a daily basis that the opinions of others do not dictate my worth. Whether or not someone believes in me does not determine whether or not I will make it. If one person does not favor me, it does not make me completely unfavorable. Your value in the eyes of others does not determine your true value as a person. You matter, you will always matter.

My encouragement will always be to speak your truth. Own your life and your experiences. Tell your stories. Live your dreams. Take that leap. You will not be any worse off than if you hadn’t tried at all. If you have things you need to say, say them. You do not have to be a vault of feelings and past experiences. You can share your trials and triumphs. You can believe in yourself and you can put yourself out there.

I say this to you and to myself because I cannot stop looking over my shoulder in fear that someone from my past is going to appear and attack me for speaking. To broadcast the lies and to expand my pain, but if I give them my power balloon and I stop speaking because I am afraid of retaliation I’m no better off than if I stood here, said what I wanted to say, and did not back down.

You’ve got this.

You have support.

If one step does not hold and you fall, climb again.

You will achieve, if you believe.

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