Ending the cycle

When you’re brought up in chaos the most challenging thing you will ever do is fighting to break the cycle.

You’re choosing to sacrifice any relationships with toxic people.

You’re choosing to accept you will forever be an outsider.

You’re choosing to walk away from the people who are supposed to love you.

Because they don’t. Narcissists can’t love you, they’re too busy loving themselves.

You will always be the enemy.

You will always be the target.

They will not stop until they make you suffer.

When you choose to rise above the abuse, you choose to endure more abuse to get there.

Ten years ago I walked away from a narcissistic parent. There has not been a year that has passed that the parent has not tried to sabotage my happiness. Done and said anything they could to bring me down.

I won’t lie, it has worked. They have hurt me, filled my head with such nonsense that I start questioning the truth. But, the dawn breaks and a new day surfaces and I am back on the path of perseverance.

For everyone who has not experienced the pain of rancid parents, it’s extremely easy to offer advice. Just ignore them, just block them, don’t listen to them.

What they fail to understand is this… when you are a dedicated narcissist with your sight locked on the person you found suitable for all of your pain, none of that matters. There’s always a new way to break through.

When you’re a manipulative damaged narcissist for decades you get crafty. There’s endless ways to make people suffer. There’s endless ways to gain sympathy from those who have yet to be burned by you. There’s even those you have burned who refuse to walk away. When you collect all of your pawns, the game is yours. You can play however you’d like. You can use your pawns to do your duties for you.

How do you move on? How do you find strength? Ten years and I’m still learning.

After a few years I found myself not thinking of them anymore. A few more and I found myself not feeling guilty anymore. I grieved the loss of someone who is still very much alive. I felt it all. Anger, sadness, disbelief, acceptance.

I have been angry that someone who is your flesh and blood can damage you so horrifically. I have been angry at the lies spread. I have been angry at the desperate dives for attention. I have been angry at every person who has expressed sympathy toward them. After all of that time angry at everything, letting the pain consume my life. I had to make a choice, do I continue to live through anger or do I let it go and rest my mind?

Thus settled in sadness. I have been sad we cannot have a normal relationship. I have been sad this person is alone, or in pain. I have felt sad I walked away. I have felt sad for myself, what have I done wrong to deserve this?

Surely it’s not that bad. Surely they’ll realize they’ve wronged. Surely we can rekindle and fix this mess. I can’t believe it can get to this point. I can’t believe all of the lies I believed. I can’t believe all of the harm that was done. I can’t believe they cannot wake up. I can’t believe my life was written for such pain.

That’s okay. It’s only up from here. You create your own destiny. Your thoughts become your reality. You don’t need to meddle in the mud puddle. You have your faith and your peace and that’s enough. You have the strength. It took strength to get this far. You are past it, you are above it, you have succeeded.

You are not playing the victim by outing the narcissist.

You are not a bad person for abandoning them.

You are not damaged forever.

You are strong.

You are capable.

You are doing your best.

You are changing this cycle.

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